Divorce is never an easy thing. It really is like a tearing of the flesh. You spend so much time and put so much of yourself into another person then for whatever reason it suddenly isn't enough anymore. Well, at least that's what it always seems like when starts to fall apart. The truth is we get so distracted with life that we don't always 'see' or understand what our partner may be missing in their lives no matter how much they try to tell us. We do, however, become painfully aware of what we are missing. In fact, we become so side-tracked or obsessed with our own 'need' that we simply refuse to see our partners 'need'. We just want our 'need' filled. A lot of people turn to other means of filling that void--some with alcohol or drugs, some with gambling or compulsive shopping. Others might use sex or have affairs. Which was the case in my first marriage. After that ended, I promised myself and God that I would never resort to that again and I haven't. Odd, I haven't even wanted to. Honestly, it only fills you with shame and self-loathing. And if you end up marrying the person whom you had the affair with (I know, it rarely ever happens but it does happen) you pay for it every day of your life. Even if nothing is ever said there is that constant reminder from the person you are with--that lack of trust and respect. The cost is always too much. And for my affair the price was extremely high indeed. In that atmosphere neither of you can really be happy.
But I don't regret having married again. I actually did, and still do, love my second husband. Though I don't think I was ever 'in love'. I know after some time this parting my be the best thing for both of us but right now it just feels like a big gaping wound. And I know in the days and weeks to come we will probably both end up acting like real asses but right now I just feel like my heart and lungs have been ripped out of my chest. And I'm sure God will help me build a new life, one that He has planed for me, but right now I'm watching mine ride down the road in a bright red pick-up truck.
Posts
