February 20, 2010

Well, here I sit again-alone. My husband's gone off to AA. This meeting is for the 'young people'. Thursday's meeting was for the young people. Wednesday was AA at one of the churches. Tuesday night was NA. Monday night of course is the big one-AA at the jail and at one of the churches (about 3 1/2 to 4 hrs.) Tuesday and Friday he did some work for a fellow member who he also took to Norfolk for chemo (I don't really know what kind of cancer he has). Oh, I forgot Sunday morning at the hospital before 'we' go to church. Now all this stuff is very commendable and I am proud of all the 'good' work he is doing (especially for his friend with cancer). And I feel mean and selfish for arguing about and complaining about. Not that my feelings account for anything since he does know how I feel. I mean one or two days a week would be fine. I can live with that. I have thought that if I drank he might feel obligated to 'help' me. I rather doubt it though. Maybe he's right-maybe I am just a mean selfish bitch. And to be honest, I don't know what I really expect from him. Do I have the right to expect anything? What I do know is that I am exceptionally lonely. And depressed. And I know he's here the rest of the time-as he would say I should be spending all of that with him. Did I mention that I was trying to get a business going? It is very difficult especially when you feel as if everyone else looks at it as just a hobby. I work here. I think that greatly diminishes my authenticity. Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's all in my head. I know he gets very defensive if I say anything negative about any of it. I know in my heart that it really does mean everything to him-I just can't compete with it. It's always been that way. I understand that I don't mean that much to him. (I truly believe he thinks he got jipped when he married me-sorry, I am just not that good of a wife).
On the up side, Patrick graduates from Quantico this Friday! It's so exciting! I think we are going to drive up early that morning. He did try to book us a hotel room for Thursday night but he made the reservation for March 26 instead of Feb. 26. He says he thought it was March-it is written on the calendar. I know I shouldn't say it but I can't help thinking that if it were for AA it would have been correct. There, I said it. Shame on me. I really shouldn't say any of this. I was just so upset. I forgot about the meeting tonight. I was heating up some dinner for us when he said something. We never eat dinner together anymore. I know I'm acting like a brat but I just don't get it. Now if AA actually paid him I'd be his biggest supporter. That's terrible. I really shouldn't have said that. Sorry. I know I'm being mean. And he would probably hate me if he knew I wrote this. He's not a bad man-just the opposite. I think I'm just not a very good woman. I keep praying that God will help me to do better. Tomorrow is Sunday-I better make sure I can get to church. Appearently I need it. Good night.