March 27, 2010

 Well, they had the auction for the murder house today.  There were tons of people there.  The house itself went for 140K, that's 150K under it's assessed value.  Though it's not really my taste it is a lovely home-though I don't think I could live in it.  I'm a little creeped out having their stuff here-especially this black chair and ottoman.  (And I bought it).  It seemed a bit differant at the auction-but then I like auctions-now though with it all here it's just a little creepy.  I have to keep telling myself "it's stuff, it's only stuff".  I mean it was stuff when I was bidding on it.  The fact that it is in my house now instead of their front yard doesn't make it any less "stuff".  I don't think Pro. Kelly, her husband or their daughter would have cared one bit about the stuff.  I'm sure they would have preferred to keep their lives but the stuff is just that, stuff.  But Mark's mom, who was there, could use the money to pay off whatever.  I'm sure she would have kept anything sentimental.  At the same time it is just a bit morbid to have bought things that belonged to a family who had been brutally murdered in their home.  Most things like the chair and books, dishes, the tread climber ($5 and I'm already developing a dislike for it),  old metal chairs, a floor lamp, etc. these things hold no real sentimental value for the most part.  But there is a black/white long haired plush cat that you know Emma must brushed and loved and may have even slept with stuffed in a box of ordinary stuff.  Finding that was a bit sad.  But the worse was finding video tapes.  We bought a camcorder with the charger and leather bag, a very nice one, for $10.  But when we got it home and finally went through it we found tapes-family tapes-of Emma at the hospital, Emma at Christmas,  other tapes of Emma who was undoubtedly loved more than she ever knew.  I do not wish to view these tapes-I very much need to find the grandmother and return them back to her.  I just can't fathom selling a childs past for $10.  I'm sure no one looked down in the bag to see what was in there-we didn't.  I wish I had now.  I could have returned them to her while we were all there.  Can you imagine what she must have been going through?  To have all these strangers walking all over her sons home, going through their belongings, seeing uncareing hands haggling over things assessing their worth as if it were just a big jumble.  Then again she may have saw it for what it was-the auctioning off of things that she could not use or did not want to people did.  I'm sure the money went to good use.  She was a very sweet lady.  She stayed through out the whole ordeal-considering her  health and age that is saying a lot.  Well, I feel a bit icky now-partly from real dirt.  I think it's time for a shower.  I got to chat with Pat this evening-all the way in Germany!  Pretty cool!  Church tommorrow.  I best go and get my body clean.  Night, everyone.

March 25,2010

We never look at each other anymore.

We get so distracted by the everyday

that we don't look at each other.

But I saw you today.

I saw the light that shines around your face,

the life in your eyes when you speak.

I saw the softness of your mouth

and the curve of your chin.

But my heart leaped in my chest

when you smiled at me.

And I remembered why I fell in love with you in the first place.

March 20, 2010

 What a completely fantastic day it has been.  You could not ask for a day more beautiful-well actually could but this one would be hard to top.  Only one of my dogs got to enjoy it though.  Poor little Elvis had been sick all day.  He woke up with diarrhea that turned to vomating this afternoon.  He couldn't even eat his dinner-Elvis never, ever misses a meal.  I'll give him tomorrow but if he doesn't get any better I my have to take him to the vet.  He was suppose to get a bath today but looks as if he got lucky-he hates a bath.  Fuggo ended up with two dinners-he stole Elvises too.  But he and I did our 1.5 miles walk so I guess he was hungry. 

  While we were walking I was watching people outside enjoying the day-kids playing and yelling, ladies in big hats gardening, old folks hanging out in their front yards chatting loudly, other dogs barking at us as we walked by.  I noticed that it looked a lot like life when I was a kid.  Of course the neighborhood we were in was made up of brink ranchers from the 50's, 60's and 70's.  I may not have been around in the 50's but I do remember much of the 60's and all of the 70's-well the tail end of the 70's and the early 80's are a bit of a blurr.  Still, things have not changed all that drastically.  Technology may have progressed but people haven't.  It all seems so benign on the surface but I know better.  I lived in that benign world.  Pedaphiles, alcoholics, child abusers, pill poppers, even ex-klansmen live in that benign world.  And oddly enough I lived with all of them at one time or other.  I think a lot of us did-especially in the 70's.  It was a strange time.  I mean during the 60's there was a fight for (social) freedoms-civil rights, womens liberation, for or from Vietnam, fight against social injustice and a fight for equality.  The 80's were kind of a toned down version-the fight was more physical then-with the distruction of the Berlin Wall and the dissolving of the old Soviet Union.  But the 70's were that strange transitional period where we did not transend very gracefully or with any real dignity.  I mean, come on, when swingers are the biggest draw for attention and wheather or not disco sucks is considered current events it's just strange.  Well, I guess it did have it's up side.  I was in on the last years of busing (from what was considered a 'white' school to a 'black' school).  I never quite understood that.  My school was already intergrated and yet every day they would load us up on buses just after noon and 'ship' us across the Lee Bridge to Lee school.  I'd go to one school in the mornings and end up at another one in the afternoons.  I didn't mind it very much.  I did not like going past the prison but it's not like anyone was going get me either.  Lee school was primarily black and I was very very white-atomic white.  Every afternoon right before we got on the buses to go home we had to line up in the audiotorium acording to bus number and the principle would say his good afternoons and good job children and call out the bus numbers as they would drive up.  I can only imagine what he must have thought when he looked out into that sea of various tans and browns and saw two-only two-super white kids.  Some little boy and I were the only white children there.  It must have been a strange sight to see.  And you know I stood out.  I was so white I could have glowed in the dark.  It was as if God just ran out of ink when he got me.  It was a strange time.

  I might revisit that some other time but my husband just came in wanting food as husbands tend to do.  And of course I need to supply it.  So I guess I say 'Good Night'.  God Bless.

(Photo is the Robert Russa Moton School)

March 18, 2010

It's been a really nice day today.  I found some old framed photographs of the kids when they were babies.  And an old porcelain rooster that I had bought way back in the depths of time.  I spent the evening with my youngest son and his wife last night.  We had dinner and played Scrabble.  It reminded me of old times.  It was funny sitting there in my sons home, at his table, watching him make coffee for me.  They celebrated their first year anniversery this past Saturday.  I tried to remember the first year that I was married-I was pregnant and had my first baby and was living in my mother-in-laws house while my husband was away in the army.  I think I had bought that rooster that year too.  But the baby I had back then will be twenty-five next Wednesday and in Germany.  Wow, where have all the days gone?  This one too has followed the rest.  And such a nice day it has been.  I need to close the windows now-it's getting a little chilly.  I think tonight I'll leave you with a few photos of the spring.  Enjoy!

March 13, 2010

 Just came in from walking with my 'boys'.  That's my two little yorkie/rat terriors (Ratshires) for anyone just tuning in.  We go for at least three walks a day-somewhere between a mile and three miles a day-depending on the weather and my athritis.   Athritis at my age!  I still can't wrap my brain around that-although my body has absolutly no problem reminding me.  Right now it's my back that hurts but it could be any joint-back, hip, knee, feet, you name it and it will do it's best to kick my butt.  I don't consider forty-five to be that old.  Fifty is just hitting on middle age as far as I'm concerned.  You mean I've got live with this another thirty to forty years?  And what if I live as long as my nanna did-that's another fifty-one years!  Oh, holy crap!  I don't think I want to do all that.  This is bad enough-I can't imagine how that's gonna feel.  Ouch!  I do not want to be a crippled up bitter old woman-if I'm in that kind of pain I'm going to be bitter.  Nope.  Not for me.  Let me tell you a little story.

  One evening last summer I'm doing my usual walk with the 'boys' and we're almost home-just across the street and down the alley.  Before we can get across the street a car turns and starts toward us.  Now I'm pretty certain that it's someone elderly (probably an unfair asumption) because they failed to turn the blinker off after they turned.  We are waiting for them to drive on by so we can cross the street.  Just as the car gets to us it stops, the window comes down, this elderly gentleman sticks his head out and sings, "Who let the dogs out?  Woof. Woof".  He and his wife (who is seated beside him) proceed to roar with laughter and drive off.  The dogs and I just stood there, stunned.  It was one of the weirdest things.  It was an old person drive by.  But instead of using a gun they sung at me.   Weird.  But I like it.  That is what I aspire to be.  A weird old person who sings stupid songs at people.  I want to be the old lady wearing orange polka dots with purple stripes hiding behind trees shooting kids with a water pistol.   O.k. that might be pushing it a bit.  But I want to enjoy simple stupid little things.  I mean really enjoy them.  I don't know where they were going but that elderly couple-oh, screw it-old couple took a mundane drive to somewhere and got a laugh out of it.  Mind you, I was a bit taken aback but what the heck.  They're old.  They can do things like that-they've earned that right.  I knew there had to be an up side to old age.  Gotta love it!

March 11, 2010

Oh, my tummy hurts. I ate too many noodles. Plus I just finished this candy bar-Chuao's Spicy Maya. It's the size, or was the size of two candy bars. I don't usually eat like this. What on earth was I thinking?
It's rainy outside now. The 'boys' didn't get their walk this evening. Maybe that's part of my woes-I usually walk right after dinner. Hubby's off to a 'meeting'. We went for a longer walk earlier this afternoon. Jimmy, my husband, went with us. I say longer walk because we did not walk as much as we normally would. I thought the poor man was going to die. I hate to say it but I do worry about his health. I know my walks can get a bit long but we scaled it back today. He really has a hard time with walking any kind of distance. I know he has difficulty with inclines because of his knee. But he complained almost the entire time-and he wanted to go. I think it's because of this job he's going to be doing-it's been quite a while since he worked and he really is not a very physical person. Maybe he thought this would help him get in better shape? I think it might take more than one walk. But I noticed last fall when we went to the Peaks of Otter he couldn't walk up the trails even a quarter of a mile. I think we walked a little over a hundred feet. He smokes way too much and eats like-well, a southern boy-you know, a lot of bacon, hotdogs, fried anything, gravies, and the liquid sugar they call tea. It wouldn't be so bad if he ate this stuff in moderation or mixed something healthy in with it. I'm tired of people telling me that it's up to me since I'm the one who cooks it. Guess what, he only eats the stuff I cook if it's something he likes. If he doesn't like it he makes himself something from one of the four southerners foodgroups-sugar, butter, red meat (?) or lard. (Although right now I really can't talk). I just wish he'd take better care of himself. I don't get it. How can you say you love somebody and tell them they mean so much to you and yet you can't even be bothered to take good enough care of yourself to make sure you will be around for them. I mean you're slowly killing yourself and you don't care-you don't care that the people who love you will have to live without you a lot sooner than they should have. You don't care that your first grandchild will never get to know you because McDonalds and KrispyKream was more important. It don't matter that you might be dead in two years a least you got enjoy yourself now. It don't matter that your kidneys will fail and your feet will have to be amputated from diabetes. Go ahead, have those donuts, that Pepsi, those french fries and chocolate 'shake'. A least you enjoyed yourself now. Screw your friends, your family, the people who might want you around for a while longer. You go on and enjoy yourself now.
I know I'm being a bit harsh and I did over do it some this evening but I'll have an apple and a cup of green tea later. I'll have oatmeal for breakfast with raisins and cinnamon. I, too, like foods that are not quite what Dr. Oz would recommend and I do eat them-in moderation. The bottom line is everyone should be able to have the things they love from time to time but you really need to practice some discipline to insure that you stay healthy-if not for your sake then at least do it for the people you love. To be truethful, a really bad diet is just as dangerous for your health as smoking, alcoholism, or drug abuse. It leads to diabetes, heart disease, heart attack, stroke, cancer and these will result in a early death. God gave us this life and the bodies we inhabit. The very least we can do is to take care of them so we can be around to enjoy this life and those around us. It took me about forty-four years-until last year-to realize the importance of this. I feel as if I found a new religon and I'm trying to spread it around. I remember once asking a guy in the church if he thought smoking was a sin and he said, "God said that our bodies are our temples. Is it a sin to trash your temple? What do you think?"

March 8, 2010

Today is my husbands birthday. He's 55. I made him his favorite breakfast-creamed chipped beef. It was a pretty good day until he got a call this afternoon. He got a job. The company is in Tenn. again but the job is in Ga. Ringgold, Ga. You would think I would be happy by this news. But no, not me. I gotta act like the horses behind. The first thing out of my mouth is "Isn't that close to where your girlfriend lives?" O.k. a little background info here: She is an attracktive woman who dated one of his Project Managers in the past but attached herself to my husband and he has done nothing to dissued her. Infact, quite the opposite. They have actually exchanged phone numbers and email. I don't think they have used them but what the heck do I know. Maybe I'm just a jealous, petty woman but that just doesn't seem kosher to me. But o.k. I felt stupid for saying anything-it's a job, we've been praying for a job and God does answer prayers and we do need the money. So swallow my pettiness, suck it up, and let it go. Right? Now while he was getting ready to do his AA thing (tonight it's the jail and the church-so, long night) he's talking about a friend of his, whom I stupidly thought was just a friend, being his sponsor. Well, he's been sober for over eight years and I thought he was a sponsor. I didn't know you're always supposed to have a sponsor. I don't understand how that works-I just don't get AA at all. To me it's like a cross between a religon and a social club. I mean I know it does some good, I know it does actually help people but is it a life thing-you know, once you're in it you're always in it? But when he told me that his 'sponsor' is who he goes to talk to about things I kind of lost it alittle. My response was "Well, what the f@#k am I for! For eight years I've been trying to get you to talk to me!" Yeah, not the right response. I know this and yet it just came out. He's got a sponsor to talk to about 'things' and he's got a spiritual adviser to talk to about other 'things'. (Yes, you read that right). Plus, he has his family that he runs to to talk about 'things'. So somebody please tell me what the hell am I? I honestly do not understand what my purpose is. I will readily admit I am not 'wife' material-that is I don't do a lot of those 'wifely' things, ie. cook big fattening southern dishes three times a day. I don't inflate his-or anyones-ego. Never have. If you've done good-I tell you. If you suck-I tell you. Do not ever ask my opinion unless you truely want it because I WILL TELL YOU. I'm acting like a big brat I'm sure. All these people he is helping are grateful and worth it I imagine. He asked me if I have ever stuck needles up my arm. (Stupid me thought this was about alcohol) No, I have never stuck needles up my arm-I've had doctors do it-but I never have. There were a couple of times in my life when I was well on my way to being an alcoholic and a pill popper. But with Gods intervention I got myself out of it. There wasn't actually anyone there to help me-I was my own sponsor and my own support. The Bible was and is my spiritual adviser. I know my family get tired of hearing the whole 'foster home' speal but I think growing up that way-not having that support system or someone to confide in-you learn to deal with it all yourself. So it is a bit hard sometimes for me to understand that people can really be 'needy' in that sense. We all have emotional needs-I seem to always be lonely. I hate saying it since I have no problem being alone. And it would be nice to have someone to confide in. Whenever I do confide anything it's usually to my daughter. That's not always fair to her. I don't want to put her in an awkward position. I guess that's why I write on here, 'someone' to confide in. Oh, well, enough wallowing in my own emotional stew for one evening. I do need to walk the dogs still. Good night and God Bless.

67W5YG6NAWDB

March 4, 2010

It's getting a little chilly outside. It's suppose to be really nice this weekend. Looking forward to that. Feeling kinda lonely-a little blue. I keep trying to get my mind to be a bit more productive and useful but it seems to want to focus on being alone, being lonely, is there something wrong with me? With him? Has there been a cosmic shift in the universe? What ever it is my equilibrium is off and I feel like cosmic crap. Oh, well, we shall not wallow in this. We shall suck in our gut, stick our chin up and carry on. And I would really like to know who this 'we' is. Don't know why I keep saying that. I shall do all this because I am better than that. I know I have worth. Still not feeling it though.
I think I just want so much from this life and I don't seem to be getting anywhere. I'm forty-five and I still do not own anything. I'm at a stage in my life where I could easily be a Nana and I have no place for my potential gran babies to come see me-no place for them to play. The dogs can't even go outside without a leash because there isn't a fence here. And since I don't own the place I can't put one up. I'm forty-five and I haven't even got a career because I never got a decent education-because I listened to my heart instead of my head (probably a good thing since I got my children from that). Anyway, at this age you would think I would have done something with my life. But no. Here I am in a house where I can't even afford to pay the rent any more. Man, something has got to give. We need jobs-not just me and mine but everyone. I know it's not just me but man this is just not a good situation. I am just so frustrated. And fed up. Something has got to give.
I seem to be having problems with blogger. I think I might need to wrap this up. I just needed to blow off steam. I know things will get better. Eventually.

March 1, 2010

Well, another day almost over. And what have I done? I mailed off a package this morning and I'll mail off another tomorrow. I vacuumed the house and cleaned the kitchen. Right now I'm finishing my dinner-spaghetti noodles with tomatoes, green peppers, onion, garlic, some rosemary, fennel seed, pesto, salt and pepper in olive oil with grated Parmesan cheese and oven toasted foccacha(?) bread brushed with herb olive oil, cracked pepper and Parmesan cheese-YUM!!!. Sounds expensive. NOT! I either already had the stuff frozen or I had a coupon (like for the bread and the olive oil). My husband, however, would not eat this. He would say it wasn't real food. He especially wouldn't eat it since there isn't any meat in it. To me it's just good rustic food. Very tasty, very filling. Very healthy. And now it's gone-darn!
Patrick is back in Quantico right now awaiting his flight to Berlin. It was so good to have him in church Sunday. The Pastor prayed over him-I can thank Pastor Betty for that. I didn't think I was going to be able to stop crying for a moment there. He was such a sweet-but funny-kid. It really seems surreal that my baby-my first born-should be going so far to live. Of course he did do two tours in Iraq. One could say he lived there for over a year added together. Thank you God he is not having to go back there or any place like that. He will eventually have to do a hardship post. I don't know if Germany is the best one to start with. I mean is it better to have a post like this so it's easier the first time? Or would that kind of really make the others suck big time because this one is so good? Would it spoil you for the others? In a way I'm excited too. I want to know everything over there-well, that we are allowed to know. I want photos and I want to hear about the food and the culture. I want to win the lottery so I can go visit (yeah, lol!). Oh, well. I can dream.
Business is picking up a little. Not the way I'd like it but anything is good right now. Still no movement on the job front. Still praying. I have a Clothing Showcase tomorrow and I have a lot of sewing to start, mostly bead work. Early day tomorrow.
House comes on tonight. I think it's a rerun. I don't think I've seen it though. It didn't sound familiar. Either way I still need to walk the dogs-they are waiting patiently. I do love my walks with them. Especially at night. I feel a little closer to God. He reminds me just how small I am and just how big and wonderful a place the world can be. Good night.