March 8, 2010

Today is my husbands birthday. He's 55. I made him his favorite breakfast-creamed chipped beef. It was a pretty good day until he got a call this afternoon. He got a job. The company is in Tenn. again but the job is in Ga. Ringgold, Ga. You would think I would be happy by this news. But no, not me. I gotta act like the horses behind. The first thing out of my mouth is "Isn't that close to where your girlfriend lives?" O.k. a little background info here: She is an attracktive woman who dated one of his Project Managers in the past but attached herself to my husband and he has done nothing to dissued her. Infact, quite the opposite. They have actually exchanged phone numbers and email. I don't think they have used them but what the heck do I know. Maybe I'm just a jealous, petty woman but that just doesn't seem kosher to me. But o.k. I felt stupid for saying anything-it's a job, we've been praying for a job and God does answer prayers and we do need the money. So swallow my pettiness, suck it up, and let it go. Right? Now while he was getting ready to do his AA thing (tonight it's the jail and the church-so, long night) he's talking about a friend of his, whom I stupidly thought was just a friend, being his sponsor. Well, he's been sober for over eight years and I thought he was a sponsor. I didn't know you're always supposed to have a sponsor. I don't understand how that works-I just don't get AA at all. To me it's like a cross between a religon and a social club. I mean I know it does some good, I know it does actually help people but is it a life thing-you know, once you're in it you're always in it? But when he told me that his 'sponsor' is who he goes to talk to about things I kind of lost it alittle. My response was "Well, what the f@#k am I for! For eight years I've been trying to get you to talk to me!" Yeah, not the right response. I know this and yet it just came out. He's got a sponsor to talk to about 'things' and he's got a spiritual adviser to talk to about other 'things'. (Yes, you read that right). Plus, he has his family that he runs to to talk about 'things'. So somebody please tell me what the hell am I? I honestly do not understand what my purpose is. I will readily admit I am not 'wife' material-that is I don't do a lot of those 'wifely' things, ie. cook big fattening southern dishes three times a day. I don't inflate his-or anyones-ego. Never have. If you've done good-I tell you. If you suck-I tell you. Do not ever ask my opinion unless you truely want it because I WILL TELL YOU. I'm acting like a big brat I'm sure. All these people he is helping are grateful and worth it I imagine. He asked me if I have ever stuck needles up my arm. (Stupid me thought this was about alcohol) No, I have never stuck needles up my arm-I've had doctors do it-but I never have. There were a couple of times in my life when I was well on my way to being an alcoholic and a pill popper. But with Gods intervention I got myself out of it. There wasn't actually anyone there to help me-I was my own sponsor and my own support. The Bible was and is my spiritual adviser. I know my family get tired of hearing the whole 'foster home' speal but I think growing up that way-not having that support system or someone to confide in-you learn to deal with it all yourself. So it is a bit hard sometimes for me to understand that people can really be 'needy' in that sense. We all have emotional needs-I seem to always be lonely. I hate saying it since I have no problem being alone. And it would be nice to have someone to confide in. Whenever I do confide anything it's usually to my daughter. That's not always fair to her. I don't want to put her in an awkward position. I guess that's why I write on here, 'someone' to confide in. Oh, well, enough wallowing in my own emotional stew for one evening. I do need to walk the dogs still. Good night and God Bless.